Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
