Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So much Jack, so little girl.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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