did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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