just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My feet surprised me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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