Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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