listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I am naked and annoyed.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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