it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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