This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
