Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
