Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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