I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The uberlube is also flammable
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
