I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
