My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I am spending my child support on dildos
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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