New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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