I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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