think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
