So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
