All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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