I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
