Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Randomize
