His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
