if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
