Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
