I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
