WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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