We're facebook friends in real life
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
