I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
