Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
