I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
