Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
