It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
