I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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