Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
