EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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