Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
