Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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