Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
either way he was missing a nipple.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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