I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize