I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
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No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
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Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I have post one night stand depression
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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