i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
