Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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