My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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