Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
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Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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