Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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