It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
