So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
