The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
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You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
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I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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