Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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