alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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