the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
