another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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