You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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