Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
