What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
